DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 19 year old daughter has a boyfriend of the same age who claims to not believe in gifts because they are materialistic. I could understand this point of view, with a few exceptions. First of all, he majored in finance at university. He spends his free time investing in the stock market and buying and selling bitcoin. He traveled to Europe last year with his own money, but stayed in five-star hotels paid for by his parents. He told my daughter that if he doesn’t earn $ 100,000 in his freshman year in college, he’ll feel like he’s failed. My “mom senses” heat up, telling me this guy is a jerk. My daughter says I don’t understand. What do you think? How can I explain this to him? I won’t risk our relationship, but I hate to see it put to use. This guy might make a million dollars someday, but every penny he sees will cost double. Is there something to do here?

SOFT READER: Rather than causing a breakup with your daughter – who seems to be perfectly fine with the situation – Miss Manners suggests that you should instead focus on encouraging her to be independent and earn her own money. That this young man is selfish and ungenerous will either be boring to her or he will not be. But if her attitude persists and the relationship evolves, she can at least afford her own engagement ring and visits to five-star hotels.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the stay-at-home order in our state, a couple that I know was out of work (both partners). Although no one said anything, it occurred to me more than once that they might need financial help. Yet I don’t know how to go about providing help without being presumptuous. Would it be okay to just send them a card with a check? I thought I would write some words to the effect that the attachment is a gift, and maybe add that I could lend more money if that could be of help in the future.

SOFT READER: Money, as necessary, appreciated and benevolent as it is, is a rude gift among friends, Miss Manners assures you. Providing a meal and companionship (when restrictions allow) would be a better way to show friendship – without causing the embarrassment that might outlive their presumably temporary situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me how to politely – or at least not scare anyone – let a car stopped in front of me know that their brake lights are not working.

SOFT READER: Unfortunately, there’s little more you can do than try to line up your windows, signal the driver to roll them down, and then vigorously yell or point at the faulty lights. Miss Manners doesn’t guarantee it won’t be surprising, but it will be infinitely less than ending up in the back of the car because you didn’t know it was braking.

Please direct questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to his e-mail, [email protected]; or by regular mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.